4 Friends You Make During O-Week (Author’s Note 8th edn)
by Callum B. Downes
Throw a bunch of self-conscious, indescribably anxious teenagers, who literally haven’t the faintest clue as to what they’ve signed up for into a sterile room, force them to engage in wildly awkward small talk, cram a gazillion terabytes of university gibberish into their heads, rush them around the campus on an inadequate excuse for a tour, let them dunk the Dean of their faculty, who they’ll never see again, into a tub of water, invite them to get monumentally inebriated at a memory erasing party, and what do you have?
Or as I like to call it, disorientation week, because most participants are left vomiting in a complete stranger’s bathroom without any friends, wondering how they ever thought four extra years of school and accumulating a massive HECS debt was a good idea. After all it’s true what they say, tradies do get the ladies, and the money.
Yet it’s not all regrettable hook ups and self-deprecating sumo-suit fights during O-Week. It has its cherished moments. One of which is meeting new, “life-long” friends, who will help you survive the living hell that is University. Here’s a short, yet accurate list of whom you will meet, but definitely will never talk to again.
- The Foreign Exchange Student
Alone and eager to make new Aussie friends, they are undoubtedly the friendliest person you’ll bump into. They often have an amusingly limited grasp of English and an entertaining accent, which seems fun at first, until the only subject you talk about is how you say words like tomato differently.
- The guy who shouts you a beer at O-Party
Striking up a conversation about their undying love for happy hour and their life-threatening degree of intoxication, these legends momentarily become more important to you than your own Mother, or God. You almost certainly share a passion for some sort of hobby, which is usually sinking bulk piss, resulting in a big hug and an even bigger splash of beer down your favourite top.
- The super attractive girl / guy
Is it just the beer goggles, or do they really look like Audrey Hepburn and George Clooney’s love child? After eyeing them off for the entire day, you finally muster the courage to talk to them at O-Party. Even though you were incoherent, more often then not you’ll manage to ascertain their number, which will result in a few short-lived, awkward text messages.
- The guy who organised the after party
The rowdiest specimen you’ve ever seen, this guy can’t wait to live out his frat-boy dreams. He instantly becomes your best friend and promises sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll at a classic house party. The reality is sloppy mouth rape, a heavily distorted IPod dock and a space upon the cold floorboards to rest your head.