Future Leaders or Drug Fiends? An insight into typical Uni Students. (Author’s Note 4th edn)

by Callum B. Downes

Esteemed in the admiring hearts and minds of the masses, shining ever so brightly as a beacon from which innovation, progress and enlightenment inexhaustibly illuminate. Universities are upheld as vital seams, binding the very fabric of our world. Yet our society tends to overlook the not so vital students who are so intricately interwoven throughout this grand fabric of the modern age.

Kind of like the mediocre embroidery woven into the birthday sweater from your Grandmother, students are the focal point of the university, however, they are usually deplorable drunkards who fraudulently claim government welfare benefits in order to maintain drug addictions. Consequently, the general public are left to grudgingly admire these students and politely say, “Thanks for the sweater Grandma”, as their hard earned wages are raped and pillaged by the tax department, who satisfy the appetites of the drug fiend students.

Nevertheless, amongst other noble pursuits I indulge myself on campus, like valiantly standing my ground during a Mexican stand off with a irritable Mother duck, or indulging in the thrill of drying my hands in three seconds flat, thanks to state of the art Dyson engineering, people watching on the infamous duck pond lawn and admiring the diversity of said drug fiends, remains to be my all time favourite past time on campus at UOW.

Over the last couple of years, this obsessive people watching has led me to draw some chin- waggingly interesting conclusions, regarding the ragtag student populous of UOW. I have devised that the majority of the student body can be categorised into six distinct groups, based on the stereotypical characteristics they display on Campus…

1. Mature Age Students


The mid-life crisis is a tragic affliction, manifested in the eager, idealistic and passionate participation off these students, who, due to their plethora of life experiences, cannot resist the urge to share their wisdom at every chance they are given. These philosophical bombshells often last longer than a complete recital of the Quran, are usually completely irrelevant to the topic of discussion and are sometimes vocalised on their own accord, without the permission of the lecturer.

2. Foreign Students

More often than not, these students can be found chain smoking in large groups of shared ethnicity, indignantly shouting in their mother tongue, or lining up for the free shuttle bus. Glasses, joggers and plaid shirts make up their uniform, and after 5:30pm, these students make up 100% of UOW’s population.

3. Exercise Science, Nutrition & PD/H/PE Students

Identifiable by their distinct attire, consisting of Nike joggers, tights and Lorna Jane catalogue items, these students are undeniably the most attractive UOW attendees. They will almost certainly be females, who pack highly nutritious lunches in Tupperware containers.

4. Engineering Students


Tailed by a waft of expired lynx deodorant, mobs of these students gather in impenetrable balls of testosterone, debating the existence of girls and whether or not it is mathematically possible to talk to them. Without a doubt, they loath their degree and future job prospects, yet argue it’s all worthwhile, because one day they’ll be raking in the Benjamins.

5. Environmental Science, Marine Biology & Geography Students


Beach bum hippies sporting long shaggy mop tops, unruly beards, panel caps, boardies and thongs.  Such students are at UOW to save the whales, but wish they were riding waves with them instead.

6. Arts Students

Totally unaware of why they are even attending University, these Martin Luther wannabes assume they’ll change the world one day. Unfortunately, the reality is, they’ll continue to pop anti-depressants, whilst contemplating the gargantuan HECS debt that they’ll never pay back, due to their non-existent job prospects. Eventually they’ll become miserable high school teachers.